I love Foreplay...I mean Forman's meetings...

The 2005 Foreman's Meeting has commenced. I've put countless hours (okay, 4...okay, more) into preparing presentations for this concentrating on Grand Cache, Monkman, and the General Foothills. I've put blood, sweat, and small amounts of spit into getting ready for this one spring week. So what does it mean for me now that it's finally here? That I get to go home a few hours early today!!

All of my bosses are at the meeting, I'm not...too boring. Plus today was spent packing up my office for the move on Friday. I'm actually going to the presentations tomorrow so the packing had to be done today. It took me at least an hour this morning including my coffee break. Now before the rest of you get in a huff over this, realize that it is not my fault. I didn't ask for this free time...someone just knew I deserved it.

It's actually going to make things work out well today. Now I can go to the gym for a bit before going to the opening night of my new sport, "Arctic Beach Volleyball". I don't know if the Arctic actually has anything that resembles a regular beach, but they have them in Calgary. It's below zero, cold, cloudy, and windy, and I'm supposed to put on my shorts and smack a ball around? Well I'm not going to wimp out, that's for sure, but I sure wish we could just go back to the way things were last week. Returning a serve may actually cause injury tonight.

We lost our opening softball game last night too. Similar weather, the wind was insane. My whole body was coated with a thin red dust after. I was pretty much a non-factor in the game last night. Made a few plays from center field, got on base once, then subbed out half way through for another player. I did it so that I could put on more layers on the bench, cheer the team on, and save my full games for better weather. See...still smart.

I know I'm starting to lack in the photo department. I keep taking my camera places but never remember to take it out. I had it golfing the last two weekends in Nanton, no pics. Doing some great work around the yard at home, no pics. Sometime soon I promise. Okay, gym time!

You'll never take me alive, copper...

So, as most of you know by now I received speeding ticket on Sunday...my first...and it sucks. I was caught doing 57 kph in a playground zone. I maintain that the reason I was still up around 50 was because I thought it was a school zone. It's right in front of a school, it's Sunday, I think I can go the normal speed. 5 seconds later a cop waves me over. Anyway, it's $161 and probably 3 demerit points. I don't care about the cost as much, although it really sucks, but the points are going to mess with my insurance. I'm male, under 15, 3 points in one ticket...I'm screwed. Well maybe not.

I found a great article today after Peter suggested I look into fighting it. I know I'm guilty, I was definitely a bit over 50, but I have my reasons, it's my first offence, and I honestly wasn't trying to break the law...too much. There's a place in Calgary (and in Edmonton) called First Appearance Centre and they try to divert some of the court traffic by settling out of court. So I'm going tomorrow to try to get the fine reduced, but more importantly, get those points erased. I do 30-35 kph through that place every weekday, I obey. Anyway, I'll let you read the article for now and I'll update you tomorrow on how the fight goes. I'm lining up at 7:30 just to make sure I don't spend 4 hours in line later and I get a cheerful judge.

On other news, going for a long run before hockey is not a recommended warm up. I felt great going into the game but my endurance quickly gave out. I lasted about half an hour. I'm still pretty tired today. Tonight is our first softball game but I'm not really looking forward to it. The weather is turning cold and crappy but we have to play anyway. The sports club's rule is that we play unless God makes it explicitly clear that he does not want us outside. That does happen a few times in the summer but I think tonight will just be a regular dose of unpleasantness. Hmmm, I'm hungry...what did I bring for lunch?

One full night of sleep, that's all I ask...

I guess I didn't do too badly for sleep this weekend. Saturday night was good, but my average was terrible. I promised dad I'd be down in Nanton by 10:00 Saturday morning to help out around the place. So after finally getting into bed at 3:30 Saturday morning I got right back up at 8:00 and started the day. Kolla was extremely hung over (I actually felt sorry for the guy) but came with me anyway to check out some drivers at Golf Town. I decided that I need a bit more time to properly shop around so we just carried on to Nanton after a half hour, pulling into the yard that the nice and early time of 11:30. Oops. Anyway, got right to work, had a good barbecue, then hit the driving range before our tee off times. Lucas and Nevin did buy new drivers...then needed some practice. I broke 100 finally with some fancy scorecard editing. When you take 6 shots in the SAME sand trap you definitely do not need to count them all. I took double par for that hole and said "screw it".

Sunday I was up early again, dug a trench, helped dad adjust the bridge a bit, finally did some shopping at Costco, then went home to take my roommates off to our "meet the team" softball practice. There are many things that I could have changes in the 5 minutes after leaving our house but the way that things turned out a vigilant cop clocked me doing 57 kph in a playground zone which apparenlty is 30 kph and strictly enforced. CRAP! Aren't school zones only enforced on weekdays? Yes, but this is a playground zone. Someone really needed to tell me that. So, $161 later we're on the way to baseball. Good team, I think we'll get along great. We're in the experienced league but no one seems super hard core.

After that we went straight to hockey. First play-off game with the TriOceans. You have to play at least 10 games with the team to qualify for play-offs so last night I was Rob McCatherty or something. Didn't matter, I didn't make it onto the score sheet with any goals. Two great assists (one on Nevin's second goal) but the goal streak came to an end. It's actually pretty nice, it takes a lot of pressure off. Other than giving up the puck badly a half dozen times, it was an okay game. We dominated the other team but in their defense they only had 7 skaters.

This week is also going to be extremely taxing on the body. Pam was nice enough to send me a link to this new comic she likes. It's called Unfit and I'ved added a like to it by the other comic links. Here's one to get you started:



Again, click on it if you can't read it properly. I have to shrink comics to fit them in the window. I know the artistry isn't the greatest but I love the content and it gives me hope that one day many even I could draw my own comics. This should be a sweet, sweet week. Hope it's the same for all of you.

I (cough) feel great...

Yeah, poor Mikey's been sick lately. It all started Monday or Tuesday. I guess I should have seen it coming. Luckily for me I applied for remote access to Talisman last week so I was able to go home early a few times last week and still get some work done. I like that much better. Someday I think I'd like to have a business that I could run out of my home. Maybe I can be a stay at home dad and work for some drilling company from a home office. That way I can take care of my yard, play with the kids, and still go on a few free golf trips. That would be sweet. I'd have to put a time lock on my office door though, so I stayed in there and wasn't distracted by other things. 2 hours at a time I'd lock my self in there to get work done, maybe three times a day. Yup, I've got it all planned out.

Other news fronts. The Hitmen lost in Brandon so they're done for the season. We also had a great surprise "un-birthday" party for Lucas. We spent days planning it and left him letters to follow all over town after work on Wednesday. Some were in lockers at the YMCA, the tanning place, Mac's store, on an mp3 player taped to the back of a bus seat. Yeah, we sent him all over the place. The message on the mp3 player sounded really creepy, I'll have to keep that one around for a while to let people listen to it. He ended up at Japanese village where the rest of us were waiting. I really like that place. Our chef was okay, not the biggest talker, but we still had a great time. Mike and I had a surprise for Nevin too. When Lucas opened up his present (an iPod-mini of course) it said NEVIN PURSER on the back. He thought we'd screwed up until Kolla pulled out another one with Luke's name on it. Nevin's birthday is at the end of August...I can't wait that long.

So other than the sick thing it's been a great week. Played hockey last night with the TriOceans (my third game with them). I took it easy and played defence. Never really broke a sweat but I still got my goal and we won 4-3. I'm now on a 10-game goal streak. I've scored every game since coming down to Calgary, this must be my lucky city. I know the Monday night games don't really count, we all score like 4 or 5 goals (Petey and I light it up anyway) but for now they're staying.

IT'S FRIDAY PEOPLE! I'm still super stuffed up and still coughing a lot but I feel great, I really do. I slept in late this morning because I was up in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out but no one here seemed to notice. I just feel happy. This is going to be a good weekend. Might test drive my bikes again (I went last night too) just to get one last feel but I'm close to making a decision. Next week I might start riding! Might watch Sin City again tonight, golfing tomorrow in Nanton, baseball and hockey on Sunday....and THEN my week really starts! Have a great one!

The Fisherman...

On Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage I see the rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing at 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"


That's a pretty good one, had me chuckling anyway. I can't outright laugh today because my throat is killing me. I may go home and see how well my remote access stuff works. I can work from any computer now, even at home, it's pretty cool. Hockey was pretty awesome last night. Peter and I went early to sharpen everybody's skates, Nevin and Lucas were at the Hitmen game (who lost...series is tied 3-3 now). Peter and I played on the white team this time. It was a game of showboats vs grinders. The other team would all charge our net and whack away until something finally went in. Then one of us would take it back all the way, deke the goalie and score. Lucas had a great spinorama shot and Nevin make a beautiful 10 point dive in the warmups. I'm not sure what happened but he went down pretty hard trying to take a slap shot.

The rest of this week is looking pretty easy. Wings tonight, Costco tomorrow, hockey again on Thursday, probably go to Nanton on Friday...things may change but we'll see. There's pressure on me to go see a movie sometime in there. Oh, and Mikaela sent me a few pictures she took Saturday night on her camera. I wish I could post the video...that was hilarious.



The Gang - me, Luke, Peter, and Nevin
(I guess I should also include Dwayne, the guy in the background. He lives at the house...had a good time I think.)




Ben teaches a hottie about rocks....he shoots, he...scores???

You think it's hard to listen to engineers explain things, imagine listening to a geologist. Ben talked to Cathy all night, about rocks and more I'm sure. Lucas was willing to bet he'd go down in flames but he pulled through, got her number, and if all goes to our master plan, he'll be calling her tonight. JK Ben. Good luck with her...no pressure.

Do you remember?

Well obviously I don't remember...a thing. Last Thursday was pretty awesome. I did go to the course but only the first half. Andrew called me half way through and told me I HAD to be there. Pam also left me a very threatening voicemail. Okay...I'll go.

That's one of my last clear memories. A bunch of people from my office were already there partying it up. I called Lucas and Peter and they showed up around 4:00. The food was great and I don't know how many gin and tonics I downed. I was considering going to the gym at 4:00 but I realized that IF they let me in I'd probably just fall off the treadmill. So I stayed and partied until about 6:00-6:30 and left when Andrew and Dave took off. Good thing too. I stumbled over to Janet's place and asked to pass out on their floor. With a sly smile she said sure. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep on my back but I really can't remember. I woke up around 9:00 during the OC but couldn't really watch it. Mike drove down and picked me up around 10:30 and I just went straight to bed. Friday at work was hell. I was there at 6:30 in the morning and already working on my presentation. I worked all day, took only a short lunch, and finished just after 4:00. Tracey emailed me during the day to ask me how my back was. My back?! Um...fine, feels great. The rest of the night was pretty low key.

The next morning I was up at 9:30 getting ready to drive down to Nanton. I was on the phone with mom, not wearing a shirt, and walked out into the front room. Matt Skinner was over and said "Mike, what's on your back?". Um, nothing, maybe some lines from the bed sheets. "No, seriously Mike...there's something there". They chased me back into my room. I looked in the mirror and saw they were right...I had a tattoo. Not a real one but it was permanent marker. I nice pink dragon.



Yup, a pink dragon. That's what Janet and Tracey were smiling about. Oh, do I owe them one! Hockey was good Saturday, went to a house party with some nurses and their friends that night too. Ben my friend...you did well. Most of you will never believe this but Ben found a girl...a hot one! After giving up his chair to her by the fire like a gentleman he talked to Cathy for the rest of the night. Nice work guy! Lucas, Pete, and Nevin left early. I waited around for Ben. I almost felt like his older brother and that it was Jeff who couldn't wipe a huge grin off of his face for 10 hours. I'm pretty sure Ben woke up whistling.

Anyway, even though I did finish that huge presentation on Friday, my work is no where near done. I must continue. I'll leave you with one more comic. I can't make it full size on my page so the best thing to do is to click on it to see it full size.



I love Satchel's expression in the second frame. He's been reading his free women's magazine all week. Later people.

Viagra, the quicker pecker upper...

No, that is not just some random comment. Here at Talisman I'm party of a great network devoted to forwarding jokes, pictures, and funny videos to those who need some sunshine in their day. I thought this one deserved a "larger" audience.

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock.
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

Ah, good for a laugh. I've been pretty tired all morning here, I was out late last night visiting with a friend. Did you know that Kilkenny's Iris Pub is non-smoking on their main floor. Not just Wednesday's either, but everyday. I think I have a new favorite bar. I was there for two hours last night and didn't smell like smoke at all when I left.

Anyway, despite my lack of sleep I still really enjoyed coming in to work today. Walking from the bus stop to Banker's Hall I realized how cool our cities are. Sure it's no green forest, but look at what we can do? (Yeah, I'm an engineer) The fact that we can have soooo many people living and working in a small area. I don't think it's my ideal life but it's still impressive. I like coming in to work on public transit (our bus is rarely packed), getting greeted at the door, taking the express elevator to my floor. I don't have a window office but I still get a lot of opportunities to look out at the world from 320 feet in the air.



Banker's Hall in Calgary, Alberta
(center building with pyramid roof)

I took this picture from the golf course on Sunday. I like how the sun is reflecting off the buildings as it sets. You can also see the Husky towers in front of Banker's Hall where Nevin works.

Well I should get going. I am kind of writing this during my lunch hour but I'm on course this afternoon and have a lot of work to do. I may even be working at home tonight for a few hours. If the course sucks Andrew and I are heading to the Garage. It's another one of their free booze and food functions this time from noon to 6:00. I'm going to behave myself because I still plan on hitting the gym.

'Tis the season for taxes...

I'm starting to realize how lucky I am not to have to do my own taxes this year...and how much it is going to suck when I do start doing my own taxes in a couple years. I like math but taxes are not like regular, fulfilling math. They just remind me how much money my government takes from me every little chance they get.



I Wish!
(click to enlarge)

I know that paying some tax is necessary, this country has to run itself somehow, but everytime I turn on the TV I see the government wasting my money. Imagine if Harper wasn't such a dick and for once said "Wow Paul, that's a great idea. I'll support you" instead of finding every little criticism because it wasn't his idea first. The arguments I hear coming from the house of commons sound like they're from a kindergarten classroom. These guys are retards. I mean, I am happy to live in a country where I can say things like that about my government, but they really do piss me off.

Watched the Hitmen take game 3 of their second round of playoffs. They're ahead of Brandon 2-1 now. It was quite an entertaining game. Kolla had his "mickey of rye" voice which probably wasn't good for the family sitting beside us. The little kid insisted that he'd heard his dad say all those words before but still...Kolla, c'mon. There were some Brandon fans behind us too that we had to shut up. It's easy when you're winning. Ben and Lucas were sitting across the ice from us and Mikaela was also there with some of her friends.

I'm all alone in my office right now. All the other students are out on courses. I was at one yesterday on new bit technology. I reallly liked it and should have signed up for more. Oh well, I have another one Thursday, should be good times. Going to Nanton tonight. :) Have to trade in the Volvo S80 for my Grand Am. :( Get to beat on Petey some more too. :)

Better together... (Jack Johnson)

Jack Johnson really is a great artist. If I could play guitar like anyone I'd like to be able to play like him...or John Mayer, he's pretty good too. I wanted to post some pictures from Canmore in my last post (almost a week ago!) but I didn't have them at the time. Here's a few of my favs:



Tracey at our condo in Canmore, Alberta



Nevin and Lucas tackle a mountain, one awkward step after another

Last week was pretty good. Peter had some great pictures from Italy so I enjoyed looking at those Thursday night. He did a narrated slideshow on the TV, nice way to do it. Friday was the Talisman hockey tournament. My team was pretty good but our final standing didn't show that. Both of our games went to a shoot out, won the first, lost the second to Luke's team. Then went on to the finals to get anihilated. I'm glad I only had to play 2 games that day. I scored in both games in regular time, missed my shot in the first shoot out (but we still won) and nailed a nice top corner in the second one (but we lost...coincidence?) It was really nice to be chosen to be one of the 5 in the shoot out. I'm usually one of the poorer players on the team but I seemed to be doing really well on Friday. I think it's due to getting in better shape.

After that Luke and I had some beers at Shank's until Ben picked us up and we went to Aussie Rules. Jared Atkinson came out (with NO GIRLS!!) but it was still nice to see him again. Janet was looking absolutely amazing in a green evening dress. Andrea and Jen came out with some friends. Mikaela was also out with some nursing friends of hers at another table. I met her at the Velvet Revolver concert. We danced a lot, paid $2 for them to play "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate" and just generally had a lot of fun.

Saturday I test drove some mountain bikes. I'm thinking that's the next step in my fitness routine. I'm going to start riding to work...early. In May I'll start going to the YMCA before work. Some say I'm crazy, I agree with those people. But you've all heard it from me here, make sure I stick to it. Jeff was down for the weekend swimming in a meet at the Talisman Center (aka Lyndsay Park) with his masters team, the Penguins. Man, that kid is still so fast. His old roommates were there too cheering him on with signs. "Jeff, show us your Penguin" and "We (heart) Jeff". Aw, so sweet. Glad they kept it clean.

Sunday I did a lot too. Put in some time at the office, watched some more of Jeff's swimming, played squash with Nevin, did 9 holes of golf with Kolla and Nevin at the nearby course, and watched After The Sunset. I've seen better Pierce Brosnan movies but I still liked this one. Selma Hyak (sp?) is super hot. It was a pretty late night for me so I slept in the today too. I usually get to work before all my boses anyway so they never know, I made up the time at lunch.



Mike thinks he's Tiger Woods
(Only Tiger can make a shot like he did tonight!)



Nevin on the Shaganappi Golf Course in Calgary, Alberta
(Nice view of downtown, I can see my work from here)

Okay, well today I've only done one work out, chest exercises at the Y, so I guess it's time for another. Nevin, Pete, and I have hockey in an hour, I'd better get going. Have a great week people!

Knocked my knee on a tree....knuts...

Overall I had a pretty sweet weekend with some ups and downs. Nevin's uncle has a sweet condo in Canmore. We didn't do too much Friday night, just soaked in the hot tub for a while, had a few drinks, and played some poker. I finally won a game. I usually do better when no money is involved.

Saturday we ate at Smitty's (I love that place) and jetted off to Sunshine. The snow was much better than the last time I was out but I still had a pretty rough day. I hit my knee on the stub of a branch and had to lay down in the snow for a good 5 minutes. I swear the wood moved my kneecap aside and poked me in the muscle right underneath. It's still got some purple colour to it and the feeling of nausea comes backe whenever I hit it on something now, like my computer desk at home. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, I just fell a lot, until I was packing up my board in the parking lot. I notices that the top layer of my board had been pulled back on the edge. I though that was all of the damage until I turned my board and saw that it went all the way across to the other edge, right in front of my lead foot. Oh oh. I put the tail end of my board down and pulled on the nose end, yup, I was right, cracked the thing right through. You can see a crease on the bottom too. So not as spectacular as when Jeff broke his board, but it's the same break. AND I've only had it for 3 MONTHS!! As soon as I find that receipt I'm taking it back.

Saturday night was much better. Supper at the Grizzly Paw in Canmore, lots of cute waitresses. As we were leaving I asked them where the good night spots in town were. A hot brunette girl (who I later found out was named Nicole) suggested Hooligan's. The great thing about this place on Saturday nights is the $1 highballs until midnight. By 11:00 the place was pretty packed and I made it out on the dance floor with Tracey a couple times. Then she had a proposition for me. I pick any girl in the bar that I want to dance with and she'd make it happen. I was skeptical but at that moment Lucas came up "MIKE...(stumble)...that hottie from the 'Paw is here". Okay Tracey, that's your girl, let's see what you can do. So she leads me over to the brunette, leaves me standing back about 5 feet, bends down and whispers something to her for about 20 seconds, and then the girl smiles, gets up, and we do dancing. There must be some special girl code at work here. I don't know what Tracey said to her, she won't tell me, but I've never seen anything so effective at picking up a hot girl. Lucas and Nevin were very impressed too. I danced with Nicole for about 15 minutes and then she had to take a smoke break. SMOKING!?! Why? Meh, time for us to leave anyway. We didn't get mauled by any cougars or bears on the walk home so it was a successful night.

Sunday was also great. Slept in, ate a Smitty's, drove up to Spray Lake so Nevin and Lucas could act like mountain goats, cooked steaks at home and then went to Chinook to watch SIN CITY! Wow, that movie was incredible. Mom...don't see it. Dad...take Peter and go see it. Bruce Willis, Clive Owen, and Mickey Rourke have amazing characters. The girls weren't too hard to look at either.

Last night was also a bit night. I started my summer hockey league. There were only 15 skaters out so it was 7 on 8. Nevin and Peter were on my team, Lucas holding up the U of A pride on team white. Well...he did his best anyway. We rolled on them all night. Yeah, we had one extra guy, but I think we still would have kicked some ass without that. Lucas seemed frustrated at the end, knocking me down in an open ice hit, attacking my bad knee. Whatever, I probably deserved that. I'd always try to tie him up with a bit bear hug when he was in front of our net. We also get beer after these games....this is going to be a good summer.

I'll post some pictures later. I'm going to head home on Thursday too and get some good stories of Italy from Peter. He's back and he has a nice leather coat now....did you get me one?

I'm not sure if you heard but I did over a thousand...

Ever have one of those days where you just don't want to exercise? Sometimes you're tired, sometimes sore from the day before, and sometimes it just makes you mad to think about it. Today isn't one of those days for me even though I am quite sore and tired from curling and hockey last night. I do feel like going for a run right now but I can't, they probably wouldn't like that today. So instead I'm just going to send out a funny story about going to the gym.


Dear Diary,


For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30
yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.


Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to


Chart my progress.


MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.


Woo Hoo!!!!!


Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was
so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.


Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile.


I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whines that is VERY annoying.


My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.


THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.


She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.


FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?


SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
like a root canal or a vasectomy


Be Always In Harmony with Your Source.



Andy


That's it for me this week. Off to Canmore tonight! (Don't bother with Mike from Canmore jokes, I've heard them all from my mom.)