And tonight, live from Calgary....

WANTED



...for heinous crimes against humanity...and livestock!

If you see either of these two individuals, please, drop what you are doing, cover your bums, and RUN! The one on the right is Lucas Crutchfield AKA "Lenny Kravitz". He thinks he is the brains of the duo which makes him extremely dangerous. If he says "hey, let me give you some advice on how to pick up chicks at the bar" and you take his advice, you may end up dead. The one on the left is Lenny's older brother, Ben Crutchfield AKA "The Prof". Ben is the obvious muscle of the duo and is currently involved in a scam to steal money from Husky Energy in the form of a legal salary. He has fooled their accountants into thinking he is knowledgable in a bogus science called geology. I can't stress it enough, being in the company of one or both of these men for extended periods of time can have adverse and irreversible effects. Just listen to this eye witness:

"I have had the misfortune of having to live with Lucas for one month now. He insists that we call him Lenny or sometimes even Donny, his favorite new kid. I think he tries to get into my room every night but luckily I have a heavy dresser that I can move infront of the door. I fear for my life every day!"

To protect this witness we will not reveal his true name. Instead we will call him Nevin Edward Purser. Even writing this letter has put my own health at risk. I must now retreat to my room...and start moving my dresser. I hope I live to see tomorrow.